Remote Control: Saturday June 28, 2014

Algerias Essaid Belkalem carries a teammate on his shoulders as they celebrate after the group H World Cup soccer match between Algeria and Russia at the Arena da Baixada in Curitiba. The 1-1 draw saw Algeria reach the tournaments knock-out stage for the first time

After just one night of World Cup-free telly since June 12, we’re about to be sent into the arid wilderness of two consecutive nights without football next week.

Two whole nights!

We’ve just about got into the routine, and most of us were happy when the 11pm fixtures ended, almost as though we were being weaned off.

Yes, Nigerian and Argentina’s 1-0 wins over Bosnia and Iran respectively that ended in the early hours of last Sunday morning were essentially our methadone, as sweaty, green and fatigueing as a night in the Amazon jungle.

Well, Wednesday is payback for all those whose only way of dealing with the beautiful game is to moan rather than, say, pick up a book, go for a walk, use any one of the other 100-plus channels or maybe even chat to their loved ones.

So here’s your line up...

Let’s start; would you really rather watch Christopher Biggins on Celebrity MasterChef (BBC 1 9pm) than a clash of continental styles?

How about Nerys Hughes – yup her off the Liver Birds which was broadcast between 1969 and 1978 – on All Star Mr & Mrs (ITV 8pm).

All Star!!!

She must have cost about seven bob in expenses.

At least her fame is likely to outlast that of co-star, Five singer Scott Robinson.

You don’t fancy watching a washed up Welsh actress whose last fleeting glimpse of fame was Half Man Half Biscuit’s cutting (I Hate) Nerys Hughes ‘tribute’?

You could always tune into Brand New House for 5K (Channel 5).

Really, Linda?

Ms Barker says she can transform a three-bedroom property in north-east London for £5,000.

You couldn’t buy a letter box for £5,000 in Harrow.

So on to Thursday.

Tune in to see Biggins and co cook sausages and onion gravy in just 20 minutes.

Any more and the sausages would be burnt.

You could sue under both the chef and celebrity billing.

Channel 4 is offering you Beauty Queen or bust at 9pm, as Humberside’s finest try to be crowned Miss Hull.

This is beginning to beggar belief.

Elsewhere: The 70 Stone Man: The Final Chapter, The Secret Life of Students, The World’s Busiest Train Station and the worringly-named Embarrassing Bodies Down Under.

You should all be ashamed of wanting the goalfest to end.

Mark my words, come next Friday you’ll want to inject the possible Germany-France and Brazil-Colombia quarter-final clashes next Friday.

Alan Burrows