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If you’ve ever got a spare five minutes on your hands and feel like wasting it in the most pointless and futile way imaginable, try cleaning your dog’s teeth with some special dog toothpaste and a little rubber thimble.

Our sighthound Walter had his annual check-up and jabs at the vet a couple of weeks ago, and while he is in otherwise rude health for a seven-year-old land shark with a short fuse and a prey drive, the vet said he has a build-up of plaque on his teeth that dogs like him are unfortunately prone to.

She said I could either have a go at them myself with something called (checks notes) Virbac Enzymatic Toothpaste, or check him in for a scale and polish under a general anaesthetic for around £450.

Yep you read that right, there isn’t an extra zero on the end - and no, it isn’t covered by his eye-wateringly expensive pet insurance.

A dog having his teeth cleaned. Photo: TOSHIFUMI KITAMURA/AFP via Getty Images)

I daren’t tell you what that costs.

Ever since the boy Walt was a little pup we’ve given him a daily dog chew/toothbrush to devour.

Honestly, it’s like feeding strawberries to a donkey.

He knows where they’re kept and every evening stares at me then glances at them while stamping his front paws.

Trouble is, they don’t really do what it says on the tin.

So after a couple of clicks everything was ordered and they turned up in the post a couple of days later.

Now, anyone who knows sighthounds is wise enough to realise to keep away from the pointy business end of your 40mph loveable lunatic, let alone stick your fingers in there.

But in for a penny, in for £15.37, yours truly put a dollop of the poultry flavoured paste on the rubber thimble and went for it.

Funnily enough, Walt liked the taste of it slightly more than me sticking my index finger in his mouth and in and around his massive teeth.

It’s a good job we’re best friends and love each other more than life itself, otherwise I’d have had a left hand like a clumsy woodwork teacher.

After a few minutes of struggling, and a rug covered in pink, weird smelling toothpaste, we decided to call it a draw and to have another go sometime soon.

Or maybe monetise his zoomie videos on YouTube to pay for the A-list dental work that this distinguished gentleman so richly deserves.

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Who's The Daddy: Not an easy task making sure the dog has pearly whites